I want to love and be loved

A primal human need and the serious consequences when motherly love is missing.

20. februar 2021

The longing for love – a human condition

I want to be loved – I claim that every human being has this need. Actually, it is a central human need that originally says: I want to be loved by my mother.

The relationship with one’s own mother is the first love relationship of every child. From the beginning of its life, already prenatally a child is full of love for its mother. He is focused on the physical- emotional contact with her. For the child there is nothing more important than his mother. This is not surprising, since every human being initially grows up in the womb of their mother, is reliant on her for better or worse and existentially dependent on
her. Therefore, from the very beginning, every human being has- and must have- an enormous ability for love that is directed towards his mother and an equally deep longing to be loved by his mother.

There is nothing wrong with that. It is part of the basic conditions of our humanity. As humans, we reproduce sexually; children grow up in their mother’s womb. Therefore, the love for one’s mother and the longing for her love is part of the human condition. Just as it is the nature of birds that they have wings in order to be able to fly with them, it is the human nature that we are able to love and want to be loved. These are, so to speak, our

Love and Fear

Love and fear are antagonists within the psyche. Where there is fear, there is little space for love. Fear activates the stress system in a human organism. Where there is fear, anger, aggression and compulsive thinking and behaviour also arise. These feelings and attitudes to life are the seeds of violence.

Love is the antidote to fear. Love can neutralize fear. People who love can also deal with their fears well and appropriately. Also, interpersonal trust cannot be attained without love.

Lack of motherly love

So, what happens when a child’s need for love is not adequately met by his or her mother? What happens when one’s own mother does not want the child at all, rejects and rebuffs the child? Or when she is completely indifferent to the child? When she even fights her child and tortures him physically and emotionally?

What happens if, because of her own life history, she is not capable of loving her child with all her heart and body? And if she herself suffers from a lack of motherly love because she did not get her needs for love satisfied by her mother?

Undertrykkelse av behovet for kjærlighet

In all those cases in which the mother does not respond to her child’s courtship, a child falls into existential distress. To survive this horror, a child has no choice but to suppress its primal need for maternal love. The pain of not being wanted, not being loved, and even not being protected from violence by one’s own mother, the fear of being left and abandoned by her, is so strong that it breaks a child’s psyche. It has to give up its unity and then splits categorically into three parts:

  • One part remains realistic and repeatedly experiences the horror of maternal indifference, rejection or violence.
  • Another part stores these repetitive, unbearable experiences of rejection and abandonment.
  • This second part, stuck in trauma, is prevented by a third psychic structure from allowing the fear of abandonment and the pain of being unloved to continually shape one’s experience.

This necessarily leads to trauma survival strategies, which, separated from reality, create a psychic world of their own, in which the illusion is maintained that one’s own mother would love him despite all experiences to the contrary and would be together with her forever in love. All that is needed is to make the appropriate effort and to give the mother everything she needs and demands from him. Instead of experiencing his own distress, he experiences the mother as needy and burdened. The child now tries to meet her needs and alleviate her suffering. The child experiences himself as unworthy of being loved, feels ashamed and guilty about his own existence. In this part, the child constantly is overthinking his mother, why she is like this, and finds a thousand reasons to justify and
excuse her behavior.

At the same time, the part that I call the ‘traumatized part’ watches powerlessly, but also full of rage, how the survival part sacrifices itself in its love illusions for its own mother and neglects and disregards itself. Love illusions go hand in hand with an abandonment of one’s own ‘I’ and ‘will’ and thus a betrayal of oneself.

On this path, the small being, needy for love, who we are at the beginning of our existence, gradually becomes a seemingly reasonable adult, who rejects himself with his healthy primal needs and has understanding for pretty much everything that harms himself and is imposed on him by others.

Thus, the rejection and abandonment that originally comes from one’s mother becomes its own stable inner authority: ‘Don’t be so whiny, needy, and weak! Pull yourself together! I must be strong, must not show my feelings and certainly not cry’, is therefore the motto for the rest of one’s life.

Some people even say that they have never wanted to be loved by their mother. They have always been suspicious of her and kept their distance from her. They might even have fought against her their whole life. They fade out the beginning of their life when this deep longing for warm mothering exists, or rather, they have buried this longing behind thick walls of psychological defense.

Mother’s love coupled with pain, fear, anger, shame, and guilt

If a mother, for whatever reason, does not reciprocate the child’s needs for love with her love, the child still cannot simply stop loving his mother. Therefore, for the child, the subject of love becomes charged with negative feelings such as fear, anger, pain, shame, and guilt. This leads to a child increasingly distancing himself from his original need to simply want to be loved by his mother. Love then appears as something terribly complicated and ultimately unattainable.

Substitutional needs, love illusions and love delusions

The original concrete need for love is now replaced by abstract ideas of love, which are linked to the substitutional needs such as:

  • I imagine that my mom thinks about me as often as I think about her.
  • I am very calm and well-behaved, I don’t cause her any trouble.
  • If I’m a good girl or a good boy, then my mom will praise me for it.
  • I help her with the household, with the care of my brothers and sisters and get acknowledgement from her for doing so.
  • When I get good grades at school, she is happy.
  • I want my mom to be proud of me.
  • I don’t want to be a burden to my mom.
  • It’s my own fault if I don’t get enough love from her.
  • All I really want for her is to be happy and content.
  • Even if there are problems, I want to make peace with her.
  • I will eventually forgive her for everything and be reconciled with her in the end.

The greater the lack of motherly love is experienced, the more humble the children become. The more they are satisfied with very little. They are still looking for the last crumb of motherly love to hold on to.

They get carried away with their own ideas of motherly love and find thousands of reasons why their mother could not help but treat them unlovingly. They idealize their mom and honour her. Such ideas become more and more illusions of love and eventually a delusion of love.

Children who emotionally connect with their mother’s pain and suffering in this way, who identify with her worries and distresses, have no present and future of their own. They get psychologically stuck in their mother’s past and the conflicts of their ancestors. Thus, human destinies repeat themselves over generations without anything new happening. External changes, e.g. technological, more education and knowledge do not change this.

Anger, rage and hatred for the mother

A child’s frustrated need for love causes him to feel anger and rage. With these emotional reactions, a child tries to gain the attention of his mother and to make her aware that he feels neglected and not loved by her. If a mother responds appropriately, the child’s anger calms down. If not, the rage increases to hatred towards the mother. Sheer hatred sometimes speaks from the eyes of children, because they feel powerless to receive the desired motherly attention.

But even this hatred must ultimately be suppressed and split off in a child. It then resides in the underground of the child’s psyche and poisons it. The hatred seeks its outlet in many different ways. For example, it is directed against a sibling who supposedly receives more love and attention from the mother, even if this is not true. This hatred can lead to the destruction of his toys, e.g. the eyes of the favorite doll are squeezed out, the arms and legs of the teddy bear are torn out. Other children can also easily be targeted by this hatred. So too can educators and later teachers, supervisors or politicians.

It also becomes fatal when this childlike hatred for one’s own mother is then directed towards one’s own child. In hating their own child, many women continue the fight against their own mother.

For men, repressed hatred for their mother easily leads them to project this hatred onto women in general. “All women are sluts, except mommy!”

The search for substitute mothers

Because they lack their mother’s love, children look for a substitute for love. If it is available, many children hope for the love from their father that they do not receive from their mother. In this way, they usually also get into an emotionally confused and entangled relationship with their father.

Because all hopes now rest on him, the father is then often idealized. Even the few feelings he shows towards a child then seem overvalued by the child in comparison to a cold and inaccessible mother.

No matter how lovingly a father may care for his child, he cannot compensate for his child’s lack of a loving mother, nor can he heal the pain of rejection, the fear of abandonment, and the anger and hatred for the mother that comes with it.

After all my therapeutic experiences, I have known for sure by now: Mother’s love is unique. It is bonded to one’s own mother. Therefore, no one can replace our mother and her love: no father, no grandmother, no nanny, no adoptive mother, no nurse or caregiver.

The search for a substitute for a mother’s love unfortunately also makes children highly susceptible to emotional as well as sexual abuse. One who can read the hunger for love in a child’s eyes often finds it easy to flatter that child, to make him or her feel special. In this way, one can then seduce it into doing things that the child certainly does not want to do. The worldwide lack of motherly love is the cause of the equally pandemically widespread sexual abuse of children within and outside of families.

Anger, rage and hatred for the father

Because many fathers also do not give a child the love it desperately needs, they give it further reason for anger, rage and hatred. Rejecting one’s own father is psychologically even easier than hating one’s own mother. In many cases, hatred for the father disguises the hatred for the mother that is smoldering underneath. Thus, a child can even inwardly unite with the mother in the fight against an obvious ‘idiot’ of a father, who left early, or when he is there, rampages, beats, screams or drinks.

Even in psychotherapies, the obvious father-hatred is indeed looked at and discussed in its many facets. Unfortunately, this all too often serves to further deny the underlying hatred for the mother.

Repetition of the primary love relationship

Because the mother relationship plays out unconsciously in our psyche, the quality of our primary love relationship repeats itself in all further love relationships in our lives. Fear, anger, rage, hatred and deep pain from the mother relationship flow into all further relationships in which we hope for love. The suppression of our feelings, the fundamental distrust towards another person and the reluctance to express our concrete needs for love become under these circumstances the principle of shaping love relationships.

A person who carries in his heart the pain of the child not being loved by his mother never opens it completely again. He remains cautious because he does not want to feel again this existentially threatening primal pain that continues to slumber within him unredeemed from his mother relationship. Such new love relationships usually become a spasmodic effort to maintain mental control over one’s own needs and feelings out of fear of slipping back into early childhood trauma feelings. The inevitable failure of such love relationships only leads to looking for new love relationships again and again. As long as the processes running unconsciously in one’s own psyche are not understood, this will continue throughout one’s life.

Infatuation and love

Wanting to be loved is about the permanent affirmation of oneself. I want to be emotionally accepted by another person just as I am. However, love in relationship to another person cannot replace self-love. Relationships or friendships are not a substitute, but only an addition for the love of oneself.

A major difficulty for many people in coming to terms with the subject of love is that they cannot properly distinguish between love and infatuation. Infatuation is a state of being ready to mate that periodically arises in a person due to hormonal releases. With mating, this state has more or less reached its goal and therefore subsides again. Human reproduction can also occur completely without love. Sexual desire alone is sufficient for it. Even from an act of violence children can originate.

For men, their job in terms of reproduction is done with the sexual act. Women, on the other hand, cannot enjoy their children without love. Their fertility as women must be accompanied by motherly love, otherwise motherhood will be a disaster for her and her child. This motherly love must also be stronger than love for any other person, whether it is her own mother, her husband, or another child she has already given birth to. If a woman is afraid of her husband, it is a disaster for her and her child. She then cannot protect herself or the child from her husband’s importunity, assault, and violence.

For men, being a father is a chance to further develop their own capacity for love, which every man also carries within himself as part of his human nature, and to grow out of their competitive orientation. They can then learn that sexual pleasure is not a substitute for their need to be loved as a man, just the way they are. Thus, they can also understand that one cannot possess another human being – neither a woman nor one’s own children.1

A little tip on the side for those who long for relationship and marriage: Don’t marry someone who is not yet married to himself.

After the infatuation state subsides, the underlying psychological realities regarding love re-emerge. Then the psychic dynamics of disappointed childhood needs for mother and father love prevail again and take over in a partner relationship. Hatred towards mother and father mingle into everyday relationship life, and the intimate partner is now the ever- present target for it. As a result, the relationship sometimes becomes a repetition of the hell one already experienced with father and mother as a child.

1 Franz Ruppert (2020). Love Lust and Trauma: The Journey Towards a Healthy Sexual Identity. Munich: Kösel Verlag.

Is ‘narcissism’ self-love?

There is a psychiatric diagnosis called ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. Its characteristics are listed as:

  • has a grandiose sense of one’s own importance (e.g., exaggerates one’s own accomplishments and talents; expects to be recognized as superior without corresponding accomplishments).
  • is strongly taken in by fantasies of boundless success, power, glamour, beauty or ideal love.
  • believes himself to be ‘special’ and unique and to be understood only by other special or respected people (or institutions) or able to only associate with them.
  • demands excessive admiration.
  • displays a sense of entitlement (i.e., exaggerated expectations of special treatment or automatic response to his expectations).
  • is exploitative in interpersonal relationships (i.e., takes advantage of others toachieve own goals).
  • shows a lack of empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
  • is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him/her.
  • displays arrogant behaviors or attitudes. 2

2 https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narzisstische_Pers%C3%B6nlichkeitsst%C3%B6rung accessed 15.2.2021

People who display such qualities obviously want to be the center of attention and admired. Why? Because they obviously need it psychologically! Because they feel small and insignificant without the constant admiration of other people. Because otherwise they are ashamed of their existence. According to my experience, these are mainly children who are not wanted by their mother and therefore feel ashamed that they exist at all.

This shame of existence in relation to their own mother is then to be compensated by power, money, fame and glamor. They have also usually received the message from their father that they are small and stupid and are certainly no match for him.

‘Narcissistically’ inclined people certainly succeed in showing compassionate behavior to other people. However, this compassion is very calculating and manipulative. As long as the other person plays along and satisfies one’s own narcissistic needs, this goes well for a while. But there certainly comes a moment when the narcissistic compassion turns into rejection and often sheer hatred, as soon as the repressed primal pain from the maternal relationship pushes its way up again. 3

3 Hans-Joachim Maaz (2012). The narcissistic society. A psychogram. Munich: C.H. Beck.

Madness projects

The basic misconception of such a survival strategy for a traumatizing parental relationship consists here in the idea: If only I am important enough for others, then I am also worthy for mom and dad to be here and to be loved. Since many others also strive for something like this, they are immediately seen as competition and are attempted to be driven out of the field. In this way, a whole society can easily become a shark tank of narcissistically disturbed people who, out of their childhood misery, want to sell and impose their grandiose projects on their fellow human beings. Such projects are usually megalomaniacal and easily exceed the limits of what is still imaginable (‘Today Germany belongs to us and tomorrow the whole world!’). On closer inspection, such quickly changing, seemingly brilliant and grandiose ideas are often nothing but hot air, even if in reality they can drag millions of people to their doom, provided that a narcissist has the power and financial means available to realize his insane plans.

It is not only the children of ruling dynasties, where there is usually just as much a lack of genuine mother’s love as father’s love as among the so-called ordinary people, who give vent to their narcissism in many variations. Even people who come from poor backgrounds have the idea that they would do better if they belonged to the rich, powerful and famous. They are therefore easily seduced and bought by those who have the corresponding power and financial resources. Thus, time and again, people from humble origins make it to the very top of the limelight of world politics. They become there the docile puppets of the actually powerful and rich.

Tyrants and murderers also want to be loved

Therefore, the formerly loving little human beings unfortunately become many big people who live according to the motto: If I am not loved, the others should at least live in fear and terror of me and have to watch out for me. They train themselves to have a correspondingly hostile attitude and also acquire means of power and weapons with which they can threaten others, bring them under their control and, if necessary, also kill them. So do such people not want to be loved?

Similarly, in such cases, the primal need to be loved by one’s mother is only overlaid by countless survival strategies and entanglements with maternal traumas. Add to this the many unloving and violent fathers with their countless psychological wounds. The Trumps, Xi Jinpings, Erdogans, Merkels, Putins etc. of this world also want to be loved at the bottom of their hearts. They therefore even want to be the center of public attention forever. They want to be admired and recognized for their supposedly great achievements for their people or even all of humanity. Therefore, once they have conquered power, it is difficult for them to part with it. Basically, they want to force love and affection with all the violence at their disposal. Similar to what children do in the playground when they hand out gifts to other children to make themselves popular, they have to buy journalists, ministers and advisors who, because of their dependence, do not dare to say an unpleasant word about them. This is basically an easy game to see through.

Tyrants and dictators rely on dependence. They want other people to be politically, economically, socially and psychologically dependent on them. They blackmail them with the corresponding dossiers they create on their opponents. De facto, however, they are also psychologically dependent on other people. Alone, without the struggle with others, they are internally empty, because they have split off their own primal needs and thus no longer feel themselves and must therefore constantly fill themselves with external experiences. 4

In this way, they achieve the exact opposite of what they actually secretly desire. No one loves them honestly.

If only such people could experience how easy it is to win people’s hearts when they openly and authentically show their feelings! When they too express their pain. Then they would realize that all this huge effort they are making is not necessary at all.

4 Franz Ruppert (2018). Who am I in a traumatised and traumatising society? Stuttgart: Klett-Cotta Verlag.

Going through the primal pain

Loneliness is the result of suppressed primal needs and the feelings that they entail. Those who cut themselves off from their healthy needs make their own body an object, among other things, and are treated like an object by others. All these mental aberrations, illusionary to delusional ideas, which our trauma survival strategies suggest to us, can ultimately only be healed by acknowledging our fears of abandonment and accepting our own pain of not having been loved by our mother.

A pain that is thought away and pushed away, perhaps even covered up with drugs or medication, the attempt to pretend that injuries which have already occurred can be undone today, makes a person unreal, an empty shell in which a head is constantly thinking, trying to understand with thoughts what can only be felt.

Anyone who does not dissolve the primal pain of his childhood, of not being loved by his own mother, is forced to repeat this pain in a thousand variations in his life. A person who negates his own primal pain is not able to love himself. Therefore, he cannot love others either. On the contrary, one’s own unresolved primal pain even leads to inflicting such pain on others. People who are dependent on oneself, one’s own children, are abused for the illusion that one can unload one’s own pain onto someone else. This may be a relief in the short term, but it doesn’t work in the long term.

On the other hand, the primal pain that we have gone through makes us a real person again. Through this pain we come back home to the living organism that we are. Emotionally anchored in our body, we can no longer live mentally in the past or in a distant future. To be in the body is to live in the present. When one is in their own body, they can no longer identify with another person. In the imagination this is possible, physically it’s not. Everyone can only be himself and identical with himself in his own body. A heart freed from the fetters of survival strategies is now open again for one’s own life, one’s own love and all the feelings that belong to it, may this be fear, anger, rage, shame or pain. Then, they can also admit to themselves the hatred for their mother and father as something that necessarily arose in their childhood and poisoned their psyche and their relationships. That hatred they can also let go of.

Social disregard for real motherly love

The ability to love and be loved is the greatest asset humans have. However, modern societies systematically undermine women’s ability to feel and show real, i.e. primarily physical, motherly love. Already during pregnancy and in the birthing processes, most women fall under a medical system of surveillance and control that disregards their own abilities and turns them and their bodies into objects for countless medical interventions. After their child is born, women are generally offered early care for their children as a modern educational measure. Mothers and children are increasingly alienated from each other.5 In addition, there is a high level of sexualized violence that many women already experience during their childhood and adolescence. This also undermines and destroys their abilities to be well anchored in their bodies, to feel its primal needs and then to be able to offer their living female organism to a child as a basis for life and love.

Additionally, as described, the hatred towards women that has developed in many men as a result of their hatred for their mothers leads to a war of the sexes.

In this way, entire societies are created in which motherly love exists rather as an idea and love illusion than as real lived motherly love. Women in such societies have correspondingly unreal ideas of the ideal man, of desired children and a perfect family. They put a lot of energy and personal effort into these ideas. What prevents them from fulfilling their dreams due to their own life story and make them fail regularly, they don’t really want to know. That would again trigger their primal fears and their primal pain.

Therefore, it is also breaking a taboo when I put my finger so directly on the weak spot of motherly love. Most people initially react to this with anger and rage and do not want to know this painful truth for them and are defensive about it. Whole fractions of feminism are also in a defensive struggle against motherliness, which they perceive as too primitive and discriminating against women, because motherly love confines them to mere motherhood and excludes them from other aspects of social life.

Since hatred for mothers is also tabooed in such societies, this hatred flows into all social structures. Anyone who doesn’t fit me, rejects me, doesn’t acknowledge me enough, gets in the way of my survival strategies, doesn’t share my worldview, is in danger of getting this hatred. Frustrated mother love and the mother hatred that arises from it leads to dividing the world into good and evil, into friend and enemy.

Politicians as mother substitute figures

It eventually happens that most individuals in such societies are deeply frustrated in their real needs for love. They almost all suffer from a lack of mother love. In their survival strategies, they are thus oriented almost exclusively to the outside, have to look for permanent distractions from their psychological pain, and are trapped in their fears of abandonment and in the permanent stress of their relationship arrangements. Out of their illusions of love, they repeatedly descend into systems of love delusion – in all social spheres. The partner, their own children, friends, bosses, customers, voters … all are more or less unconsciously seen through the glasses of their own mother-love experience. Rejection, indifference, experiences of violence and hatred – everything is unconsciously re-staged blindly in the respective context.

Teachers, supervisors, doctors or politicians are then also subjected to mother projections instead of seeing such people only as those who could support us throughout our lives, whereby the responsibility for our own happiness always remains with ourselves. No wonder then that social leaders, on whom we depend for our happiness like little children, also get caught up in the idea that they are responsible for our lives.

They then become more and more dominant and encroaching, as more is expected of them, with the corresponding narcissistic preconception of their own childhood. Ultimately, they treat us like underage children instead of considering themselves obligated to the common good in accordance with their actual task. What we already had to endure in our family in terms of rejection of our needs, we then experience again on a social level. When women with a huge mother-love deficit become politicians and conquer positions of power, they are no different and better for the population than love-frustrated men. They, too, are just as good as men at manipulating, controlling and ‘we have to try harder and tighten our belts and make sacrifices’. They too live out their mother-hatred covertly on the entire population.

Money cannot buy motherly love

Money can also become a substitute for motherly love. If I have money, I can fulfill all my wishes – that is also a great illusion. No one can buy mother-love with money. If one could not feel this to a sufficient extent, it cannot be obtained for any money in the world. Therefore, by many people, most of the money they have is blown on trauma survival strategies. This happens on a small scale with each one of us and it also happens on a large scale at the institutional and governmental level.

The world = saving mom

Detached from our need to be loved by our mother, we create an ideal world in our head. Because we make our lives increasingly difficult and destroy the real world more and more with our illusions, we are then faced with the never-ending problem of always having to save this world with a lot of effort and seemingly ingenious ideas. Thus, former childhood victims of unkindness become adult perpetrators with a clean conscience. In the competition of world saving ideas, they demand from themselves and all others to throw everything into the balance and to sacrifice their own happiness for the idea of an ideal world = Mama. In my view, these are the roots of globalism and the idea of some people that they have to recreate man. If only they would try to find themselves first, this little needy child inside them, crying out for the love of their mom, then they would not have to play God in their imagination and ruin the entire globe.

Instead of processing the traumas that our previous generations have already created through violence and wars, today’s generation unfortunately also keeps on going and continuously creates new traumas, which they pass on to the next generation without reflecting on them.

The system is everything, you count for nothing

In this way, social systems are created that place themselves above the individual and are seemingly more significant and important than him.

The individual must serve such systems, obey their seemingly ‘objective’ laws, instead of, as would be sensible, having such educational, health, cultural, scientific, economic or political systems provide for his good life. Unloved children accept such systems because they spare them the truth of feeling the pain of being unloved by their own mother. Therefore, such systems are kept alive with a lot of effort by the original victims of maternal rejection. Doers and followers are in the same boat here and secretly agree not to touch their own pain. Instead, we then live out our mother-hatred together on others who do not belong to us.

In traumatized societies, therefore, only few people have an idea of what cohabitation based on love could look like in relationships, families or society as a whole. Most of them know what they don’t want and don’t really like. What they do want, on the other hand, the majority of people do not yet have a conception of.

In such traumatized societies, it is therefore already a great personal success not to seek success in the outside, in partnership, family, money, and power, but in finally becoming ‘I’ and being ‘I’ in a stable way.

Recognizing the basic misconceptions

Conclusion: Love cannot be forced by violence, neither by violence against others nor by violence against oneself. It does not work. Such attempts lead only to permanent tension, anger, aggression, chronic stress, illness and death. Love and thus deep happiness in life cannot be bought either. Who does not recognize these misconceptions, makes himself and others unhappy. The history of mankind shows this misconception in thousands of facets, and our present time shows this most clearly. Those who do not find their own happiness in life envy the happiness of others and cannot stand that they feel good and loved. This can already be observed with small children in the sandbox.”>Konklusjon: Kjærlighet kan ikke tvinges med vold, verken mot andre eller mot en selv. Det fungerer ikke. Slike forsøk leder bare til konstant spenning, sinne, aggresjon, stress, sykdom og død. Kjærlighet, og dermed dyp lykke i livet, er heller ikke tilgjengelig for kjøp. De som ikke gjenkjenner disse feilslutningene, gjør seg selv og andre ulykkelige. Menneskehetens historie viser feilslutningen i tusenvis av fasetter og den er også tydelig i dag. Den som ikke finner sin egen lykke i livet misunner andres lykke og tåler ikke at de andre føler seg bra og elsket. Du kan se dette selv hos små barn i sandkassen.

Finding the way back to self-love

Since I have gone through the pain of rejection by my mother in many waves, I have found my way back to my primal need to be loved. Through this I have come into contact with my deepest existential fears, my shame of existence, my anger, my rage and also my deep hatred for both my mother and my father.

I now see myself and my environment with different eyes. I feel my unconditional love for myself. All that I originally wanted from my mother, I can now give to myself. And I feel that since then, other people also meet me with a much greater openness and love. Also because I don’t overwhelm them with my unconscious longings for motherly love or my hunger for fatherly attention.

I now remember this primal need of mine in every conflict that I encounter in everyday life. I want to be loved and I also wish for everyone else to find access to this primal need again. On this basis, every conflict can be solved mutually as well as constructively and cooperatively. I no longer have to save ‘the world’ = my mom with my ideas and efforts.

Because I am valuable to myself, I also see other people as valuable. I also see the things around me with different eyes. I now recognize more clearly what has value for my life and what does not.

Loving and helping

Many people who are disconnected from themselves think that they can and must help others. This is also a big misconception. What I offer to another person when I am not in love with myself can ultimately only be my own trauma survival strategies. Accordingly, I am disappointed or even angry when another person does not accept this offer. With survival strategies one can make another person only happy, if that person also does not want anything else than to survive, because he flees from his life, in order not to be confronted with his pain of the unloved child.

Assistance to survive, whether from one’s own parents, from teachers, from the state, is therefore usually imposed on people by other people, often even forced upon them. And someone is considered ungrateful, perhaps even antisocial, if he or she refuses such help.

When helping on the basis of healthy self-love, on the other hand, I know that each person can only live his or her own life. No one can do this for the other and take this responsibility away from him.

What do I want in times of ‘Corona’?

I want to love and be loved. I want to live relationships based on truthfulness. I want to feel safe from violence and oppression. To all those who think they have to do something good for me in times of ‘Corona’: I don’t want your masks, tests and injections. I want real love that comes from your heart. If you can’t give me that, then give me my liberties and leave me alone. 6

Institutt for Traumearbeid / IoPT Norway
www.iopt.no | marta@iopt.no | +47 916 67 211

6 Franz Ruppert (2021). I want love, truth and security. What happens to our basic needs in times of ‘Corona’? My chronicle of becoming conscious. Munich: Eigenverlag.